I'm a fucking mess...


What's wrong with me? Why am I such a mess? It's probably the damn meds which have me out of balance again, but what do I do about them? I want to stop taking them again, but the thoughts about what all that could bring scare the life out of me. I'm sitting here and for no reason at all I'm crying. Not just a tear or two but REALLY crying, so much that I have to keep wiping my eyes just to be able to see my laptop screen to write this. And you may ask, WHY ARE YOU CRYING? And that's the part that sucks. I have NO clue why. Today is Memorial Day and I was just looking through FaceBook when I came across a video tribute to the troops and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. And now it seems that no matter what I watch or look at it all makes me sad and depressed. I miss my daughter. She lives with her mother nearly 350 miles away. I miss my grandmother who has passed. I miss my friends from times past. I miss feeling like I'm in control of my life and my emotions. I'm not in control of anything. It seems that EVERYTHING that I feel is due to one med or another and it feels like it's completely out of my control. I need to talk to someone. I should talk to my wife, but she worries so much about everything, I don't think I could put that weight on her. All of my friends either live far away or have things going on in their own lives. I don't want to burden them either. I SHOULD call my psychologist and try to get back on her schedule. I didn't intentionally stop going to her. I missed one of my appointments and I just never got the chance to reschedule it. Sometimes I think I'd be better off ending it all....


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© 2016 by The Manic Dude