Bored with my Life
My meds must be working, or at least they appear to be working as I've felt pretty stable here over the past few weeks, which is great. This is what I've hoped for. I mean there have been times when I've felt mania or depression coming on, but they only lasted a short while and then I'd return to "normal" and feel stable again.
This is what I wanted, right?
Except, it is starting to feel boring.
I miss the excitement of mania, the passion that I felt with everything that I did while I was manic. Fuck that feeling is addicting. Don't get me wrong, mania is a dangerous place to be, at least for me, because all of my inhibitions go out the window. I find myself saying and doing things that I never would have done if I were stable. But along with those acts comes the most intense "feelings". I swear to you, when I'm manic I can FEEL everything. I can feel the sun and the sky. I can feel my own breaths as my chest rises and falls. I can feel my own heart beat. I can feel everything inside and around me and it makes me feel so ALIVE. Only someone who has been through a manic episode would understand. When you are truly 100% manic I swear you can feel things that don't even make sense. My skin would feel the words spoken to me by another person and my skin would respond with thousands of tiny little goosebumps.
But now that I'm "stable" I don't feel anything but numb. I just exist, but I'm not "ALIVE" like I was when I was manic. Why can't I have that feeling again. It's addicting. It makes me want to toss all of my meds down the toilet. It makes me yearn for those feelings again. I even try to convince myself that I can manage the mania, that I won't let it get out of control this time. But I know good and well that when I'm manic I have no control over anything, and I cannot afford to let things get out of control.
I also know that severe depression almost always follows a manic episode, so that too is a big concern. Why can't I just be manic ALL the time? Or better yet, why can't I feel like that when I'm stable? Do all "normal" people feel so numb?
I need some excitement. I need some passion. I need to feel alive again, but I don't know how to get that feeling back without tossing out my meds. I'm so incredibly bored with my life right now. I honestly don't know what to do.
Bipolar SUCKS ASS!