There's no escaping the black hole...
Today is Day 5 since I fell into the abyss. Nothing specific brought it on this time. It just came out of no where and knocked me to my knees before it swallowed me whole. Usually I can see these bouts of depression coming on, but not this time. Maybe I was too caught up in myself to see it coming until it was too late. The whole world looks back at me in black and white. There are no more colors. It's as if they've just faded away. I feel helpless to it's power. It has completely immobilized me. I can't even pull myself up enough to get out of bed. Yesterday I made a determined effort to pull myself out of this slump. I thought if I could just get out of bed and take a shower then everything would begin to fall into place and I could overcome this. I was foolish to think that I could defeat depression. It has it's fingers wrapped around me so tightly, pulling me back into my bed...paralyzing me. I remember times past when I was strong enough to fight it off, when I could keep it at bay. But those times are gone. I'm not strong enough anymore and I don't have the will to fight it.
How can I even begin to explain to the people in my life what's going on?? My wife is an angel and she's been trying so hard to help me, but depression is bigger and stronger than even the two of us combined. I can see her growing weary and tired. She's trying so hard not to give up, but I can see the toll it is taking on her. It's wearing her down. My children don't know what to think or do. Occasionally they will pop their heads in the door and ask if there's anything that they can do or get for me, but all I can do is shake my head no. I'm afraid to even speak to them, fearful that I'll project this beast upon them. They are so innocent and kind and good. I would never expect them to grasp even 1/10th of this hell that I'm fighting in my own mind.
I called, or actually I sent another text to my boss at work this morning explaining that I was still sick and would not be able to do any work today. He's beginning to grow suspicious. After all I work from home full time as it is, so why can I not get ANY work done. I just went back to work after being off for nearly a month following my heart attack and to be out sick again so soon. That's certainly not good for my status there. I can't FUCK that up. It's the only job that really does suit my illness. It's much easier to hide my manic or depressive episodes whenever I'm not in a traditional office. I would be so fucked if I lost this job. But I can't will myself to do ANYTHING. My wife even brought my laptop to me in bed thinking that maybe I could get SOMETHING done, or at least have the appearance of getting things done. I've mastered that over the years - putting off work for days, weeks, even months sometimes and then making it all up just a couple of days before the final deadline. I don't know what to do. I don't even have the energy to open up my work laptop. I can't lose this job. I love this job. And if I lost it I'd also be losing my medical insurance which would completely fuck me. But then again, what does it really matter at this point.
I've been down before - stuck in a depression, but it's never been this overpowering before. I sit here in bed with the appearance of doing nothing, while silently battling the thoughts in my head. Nobody understands. Tears stream down my face for no reason whatsoever. It seems no matter what I do I can't stop them. They stain my cheeks and puff out my eyes. I wonder if this is what it feels like when you can't fight the depression anymore. I feel it smothering out the life within me and I'm too weak to stop it. Maybe this is the end for me. I'm heart broken. I don't want to die. I just want this pain, both mentally and physically, to stop. Maybe death is my only answer. I hear him lurking in the background. I've seen him before. I won't fight him this time. I don't want to bring any more hurt to my family and friends, but I'm useless to them while I'm stuck in this abyss. I have to do what is best for those in my life. I can't hurt them anymore. It's just not fair to them. I love each and every one of them. Hopefully they'll understand that I really had no choice. I knew this day was coming, even willed it to happen. So I'll just lay here and wait for him to take me away.
Please forgive me. Please know that I fought a hard, never ending battle, but I was foolish to think that I could defeat this illness. Like cancer it just kept coming back harder and harder each time. It wore me down until it had taken everything from me. I just couldn't allow it to hurt those around me anymore.