Never underestimate the pain...
It's here, Day 6 of the worst depression I've ever experienced. I don't know how I'm even still alive. The pain won't subside. No matter what I do it just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know how much more I can endure.
The only positive thing about this whole situation is that I'm getting caught up on my sleep. Back before the depression hit I was sleeping at most 3-4 hours a night. But since day 1 of this current episode I can't seem to stay away for more than an hour or two at a time. My schedule is all out of whack.
My friends and family mean well, but truth be told they are just making things worse. My wife, bless her heart, has all but given up. It's taken it's toll on her. She's not sleeping, not eating. She's determined to find a way to pull me out of this darkness that consumes my soul. A few of my friends came by early this morning trying to take me out to breakfast. I REALLY wanted to go but I couldn't do it. I tried like hell to drag myself out of bed and at least put on a clean shirt and pants but I just COULDN'T do it. I tried to explain to them the pain that I felt so that maybe they would understand. But they didn't understand. They just kept pleading with me to go until I snapped and told them that I couldn't go and to just get the hell out and leave me alone. That wasn't me. I value my friendships dearly. But they just don't get it. So now I'm sure they're pissed at me.
I scoured the internet looking for answers, looking for a way to end this. But the answers just weren't there. I read through blogs, websites, and even skimmed several books on Bipolar struggles, but none of those situations seemed to fit my situation. I even reached out to my bipolar internet friend, Jess, hoping she had some insight, but she's going through the same thing herself right now, which made me feel incredibly guilty because - a. she already had enough on her plate without me adding to it, and b. I'm supposed to be there for her to help her out of situations like this so I feel like I let her down.
I did promise Jess that I would call my shrink today and tell her that it was an emergency and that I needed my medications revamped. I haven't called yet, but it is on my To Do list for today....actually it's the ONLY thing on my To Do list. I'm just unsure about calling. The meds just don't seem to work for me anymore. I haven't stopped taking them (as I've done many times before) but they just don't work. And I'm afraid to tell the shrink that because she may have me committed to the psych ward at the hospital. I HATE that place...it's like being in prison. I won't go back there, I just won't. I'd rather end it all right here and now than to be put back in that hellish place.
So that's where I currently stand. No step closer to pulling myself out of this hell that I'm in. Nobody understands. I feel so alone in the world even though I'm surrounded by people - but nobody understands. I honestly don't know what to do, or even if it's worth doing anything about.
If I had to try to describe how I feel at this precise moment I would use a few phrases from a W.H. Auden poem -
"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one; pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; for nothing now can ever come to any good." - W.H. Auden