Pain demands to be felt...
OK, so I didn't come up with that title on my own, I borrowed it from someone, but it still fits none the less. And yes, PAIN DEMANDS TO BE FELT, especially Bipolar Pain. All of the constant UPS and DOWNS, it's no wonder those of us inflicted with this disease often go insane. Bipolar is MORE than just mental pain, it quite often becomes physical pain as well. Sure the highs can be awesome, but when the depression hits you can literally feel physical pain like you've never felt before.
But things hit a new LOW for me yesterday. I received a call from my Ex wife who informed me that my youngest daughter had been officially diagnosed with Bipolar Type II. My heart literally sank when I heard this news. I mean, I knew there was a possibility that this disease could be hereditary. I have a first cousin who also suffers from Bipolar disease. So I knew I could pass this infliction onto my children, but I had high hopes that the stars had aligned in perfect array and had this illness had passed over them. But like so many other things, I was wrong...
My poor children have already suffered so much from dealing with my Bipolar symptoms and now my sweet daughter will have to experience these symptoms first hand. I would give ANYTHING to take this infliction away from her. I've always had the belief that I deserved to be plagued with something like this. That it was Karma coming back to bite me in the ass for all of the heartache and pain I had caused over the years. But this is my sweet, innocent daughter. The girl who is filled with love for other people. WHY HER? WHY??? When I damned myself did I also damn everyone around me?
I'm literally in tears wondering what to do. I mean, truth be told I know that there is nothing that I CAN do to stop this from happening, it's already done. But as a parent seeing your child in pain and knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do to help stop the pain is pure torture.
And it's sending me into the depths of hell. My emotions are literally ALL over the place. I can't explain it. I'm bouncing from Mania to Depression and back to Mania again in a matter of minutes. I feel my life literally slipping away from me. I feel something inside of me breaking and I don't know what to do or where to turn to. I find myself wishing it would all just end. I feel so lost. What have I done??? Why is it that the ones that I hurt the most are the ones that I love the most? I have to stop this RAPID cycling before it spins completely out of control. I walk the streets crying out for somebody, ANYBODY, but there's nobody there until I hear him walking closer, Death. He has come for me again only this time I find myself beaconing him closer and closer. I can't allow myself to hurt the ones that I love any more than I already have. They don't deserve this. My poor innocent daughter doesn't deserve this. Why God have you forsaken me? Death just laughs at me and I can feel his hands wrap around my body pulling me closer and closer into the depths of hell.
SOMEBODY PLEASE...hear my muffled cries for help. I don't want to die. I need to be here for my daughter, to help her navigate through these fiery waters. But I feel the monster inside of me getting stronger by the minute. It's only a matter of time before he strikes again. It's only a matter of time before I hurt my loved ones again. I have to stop it...some way....some how.